Thursday, September 04, 2008

And so on and so on and so forth

Sometimes I suffer from crushing depression. It’s linked to my childhood... my karma; the state of the world vis a vis the state of my mind. The truth is that I don’t know. For me it isn’t so much about feeling low and rotten but more of a listless indifference to participation in events with others. It is why I increasingly spend more and more of my time alone. There are other reasons for this but this is one of them.

It can be accurately assumed that I have experimented with all manner of substances to remedy this condition and until a short while ago I can say that that has proven a miserable failure as well as harmful and destructive on occasion. It can be said that this is why I drank to excess for awhile. Each of these scenarios would require a book to explicate and I’m not going to do that. Doing this is more than I want to do but I do owe the reader an explanation for my absence and it can be correctly said that I listen to my critics as much as my supporters and take both contributions to heart inasmuch as they correspond with what I am aware of internally; something neither my critics or supporters have access to except through what the powers of their observation grant them.

In some cases I can be pretty insightful and I have been blessed with some talent in some areas. I know by virtue of irrefutable evidence of supernatural experience that I am partially awakened. This is a blessing and a curse. It’s like spending too long in a bus station. I know about the towns behind me on my route and I know something of the towns ahead but getting out of the bus station requires information that I don’t completely possess. I know I will be moving on to the next town and according to information that has come to me, that is going to happen sooner rather than later. But... I am where I am now for reasons well understood by my guide and little understood by me.

My primary interest in life is the metaphysical and The Devic Realm. You could say that I live with these things all day long and when I sleep as well. The serenity of my existence; what there is of that- is directly connected to how completely I am contemplating the real as opposed to the unreal. This is one reason that I don’t particularly enjoy writing the Smoking Mirrors blog. I don’t care much about what goes on in the world except for the suffering that occurs and in the majority of cases that is self-inflicted. This I know far, far better than I did before.

So, I enjoy writing at Visible Origami and I enjoy the satisfaction it gives me. Smoking Mirrors is a useful effort I think and like everything in this world... it will experience far more success than Visible Origami because it relates more to what people are familiar with in their every day; what they focus on. For what I think that gets you, you can just read Visible Origami essays.

As I mentioned in the beginning, I have had little success treating my condition until recently when by accident, curiosity or, more likely... invisible assistance, I was moved to try Ketamine. I had known about it for a long time but it just didn’t call out to me. I had been curious about it and liked some of the things I had heard. At the same time, its primary use is as an animal tranquilizer and I didn’t compute that I was going to gain spiritual insight from it. I could not have been more wrong.

For those of you who do not know anything about Ketamine, John Lily of dolphin fame took it consistently for decades and lived (I believe into his 90’s). I know people who knew him personally and well and by all accounts he was a good man and did remarkable work. From what I now know about Ketamine I believe it had no small effect on his efforts.

Big game hunters used to use it to help them lie motionless for hours in the bush. It seems to me that people are affected differently by it depending on their level of awareness. I have been able to experience face to face meetings with spiritual masters that have left the physical plane... the practice of a unique yoga that just showed up... a complete absence of depression and all of its effects... a reversal of any number of bad habits and the complete absence of them... it revolutionized my existence.

The only negative was a lack of motor skills for a couple of hours after using it. There are no other negatives that I have encountered and I certainly did it long and consistently enough to notice. When it comes to using chemicals I would be called a professional simply by the sheer weight of my experiences... not to mention the quantity of items. The real evidence of that is that I am still here and in better shape than most anyone I encounter in my age group. So... I would know.

Everything that I was doing was improved considerably by my use of Ketamine. It is a great friend to me and sorely missed at the moment. What I am about to tell you indicates that I have something of a selfish nature and a childish side to my behavior. I can’t possibly tell you all the details of what happened but I can give you an outline and whether you understand why I have been as I have you will at least have the information to speculate... judge and/or understand.

I can readily get Ketamine from a fellow who can supply me with most anything but who is quite expensive even when compared to others in his line of work. He charges me ten times what I might expect (or wish) to pay given that the item is dirt cheap to begin with. Yes... it’s illegal but so are many things that are none of the government’s business and that matters not a whit to me although I can see where it would affect the cost somewhat.

I left the area where this fellow lives and have tried to acquire it at a reasonable price which led to this person, ripping me off for four hundred dollars and then laughing at me about it. I had it sent to me from a trusted source and it has not arrived. I’ve had a number of difficult events happen connected to these events while also passing through several of the most horrendous weeks of my life. This would have happened anyway but I wouldn’t have even noticed it with the Ketamine. So it made me angry and I decided that I wasn’t going to create anything anymore. If that’s how the universe wants to play the game then I’m not in (or is it ‘on’’?) the game any more.

I realize that this looks childish and petulant and I’ve no justification for it except to say that you are not me. Meanwhile... I have consistently labored for a significant portion of my life doing what I do for free and not complaining about it. I have endured some good amount of hardship from being the person who does these things for free and in fact I even have to pay for the opportunity to do it. It actually costs me in coin of the realm and in other costs just to do what I do and I don’t complain about that. I’ve a limit to the abuse and sacrifice that I will accept in the process of doing something for free.

Before anyone decides to tell me that it’s all part of my growth etc or provide me with spiritual platitudes... I’m aware of all that. I write about it all the time. I’m also in certain kinds of danger from myself if I don’t have a few fundamental things which... sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t and only one of them is Ketamine.

In any case... I’m going to go write a Smoking Mirrors after this and link back here so that anyone who wants to see this can see it and take it for what its worth etc. I’m hopeful I will eventually encounter someone who can help me obtain this item at a reasonable fee. I’m hoping one of my readers is a sympathetic veterinarian (grin). I’m certain that someone who reads me knows someone who knows someone and maybe that will lead to something. You can imagine how important this is to me just by the fact that I am writing about it. This may be neither smart nor useful but I’m doing it.

It shouldn’t be that difficult. It’s undetectable in the mail and not a bulky item. Some people like the liquid but I prefer the powder and, as I said... it immediately and effectively removes from me a condition that has plagued me for a long time. I certainly deserve it and it’s got no drawbacks or long term liabilities. Conditions may vary according to the user I am sure but for me it has made life new... rich and rewarding and I just didn’t feel like pounding the pavement (metaphorically) day after day as I have been doing... for less than nothing; at least that is how it looked to me and the grievous difficulty of these last weeks has rather amplified my state. That’s passing now which is a mercy; some sort of temporary astrological smash and grab, I suspect.

Well, let’s go write that Smoking Mirrors post... there’s a lot to talk about.