Thursday, September 04, 2008

And so on and so on and so forth

Sometimes I suffer from crushing depression. It’s linked to my childhood... my karma; the state of the world vis a vis the state of my mind. The truth is that I don’t know. For me it isn’t so much about feeling low and rotten but more of a listless indifference to participation in events with others. It is why I increasingly spend more and more of my time alone. There are other reasons for this but this is one of them.

It can be accurately assumed that I have experimented with all manner of substances to remedy this condition and until a short while ago I can say that that has proven a miserable failure as well as harmful and destructive on occasion. It can be said that this is why I drank to excess for awhile. Each of these scenarios would require a book to explicate and I’m not going to do that. Doing this is more than I want to do but I do owe the reader an explanation for my absence and it can be correctly said that I listen to my critics as much as my supporters and take both contributions to heart inasmuch as they correspond with what I am aware of internally; something neither my critics or supporters have access to except through what the powers of their observation grant them.

In some cases I can be pretty insightful and I have been blessed with some talent in some areas. I know by virtue of irrefutable evidence of supernatural experience that I am partially awakened. This is a blessing and a curse. It’s like spending too long in a bus station. I know about the towns behind me on my route and I know something of the towns ahead but getting out of the bus station requires information that I don’t completely possess. I know I will be moving on to the next town and according to information that has come to me, that is going to happen sooner rather than later. But... I am where I am now for reasons well understood by my guide and little understood by me.

My primary interest in life is the metaphysical and The Devic Realm. You could say that I live with these things all day long and when I sleep as well. The serenity of my existence; what there is of that- is directly connected to how completely I am contemplating the real as opposed to the unreal. This is one reason that I don’t particularly enjoy writing the Smoking Mirrors blog. I don’t care much about what goes on in the world except for the suffering that occurs and in the majority of cases that is self-inflicted. This I know far, far better than I did before.

So, I enjoy writing at Visible Origami and I enjoy the satisfaction it gives me. Smoking Mirrors is a useful effort I think and like everything in this world... it will experience far more success than Visible Origami because it relates more to what people are familiar with in their every day; what they focus on. For what I think that gets you, you can just read Visible Origami essays.

As I mentioned in the beginning, I have had little success treating my condition until recently when by accident, curiosity or, more likely... invisible assistance, I was moved to try Ketamine. I had known about it for a long time but it just didn’t call out to me. I had been curious about it and liked some of the things I had heard. At the same time, its primary use is as an animal tranquilizer and I didn’t compute that I was going to gain spiritual insight from it. I could not have been more wrong.

For those of you who do not know anything about Ketamine, John Lily of dolphin fame took it consistently for decades and lived (I believe into his 90’s). I know people who knew him personally and well and by all accounts he was a good man and did remarkable work. From what I now know about Ketamine I believe it had no small effect on his efforts.

Big game hunters used to use it to help them lie motionless for hours in the bush. It seems to me that people are affected differently by it depending on their level of awareness. I have been able to experience face to face meetings with spiritual masters that have left the physical plane... the practice of a unique yoga that just showed up... a complete absence of depression and all of its effects... a reversal of any number of bad habits and the complete absence of them... it revolutionized my existence.

The only negative was a lack of motor skills for a couple of hours after using it. There are no other negatives that I have encountered and I certainly did it long and consistently enough to notice. When it comes to using chemicals I would be called a professional simply by the sheer weight of my experiences... not to mention the quantity of items. The real evidence of that is that I am still here and in better shape than most anyone I encounter in my age group. So... I would know.

Everything that I was doing was improved considerably by my use of Ketamine. It is a great friend to me and sorely missed at the moment. What I am about to tell you indicates that I have something of a selfish nature and a childish side to my behavior. I can’t possibly tell you all the details of what happened but I can give you an outline and whether you understand why I have been as I have you will at least have the information to speculate... judge and/or understand.

I can readily get Ketamine from a fellow who can supply me with most anything but who is quite expensive even when compared to others in his line of work. He charges me ten times what I might expect (or wish) to pay given that the item is dirt cheap to begin with. Yes... it’s illegal but so are many things that are none of the government’s business and that matters not a whit to me although I can see where it would affect the cost somewhat.

I left the area where this fellow lives and have tried to acquire it at a reasonable price which led to this person, asnowynightn_nyv@yahoo.com ripping me off for four hundred dollars and then laughing at me about it. I had it sent to me from a trusted source and it has not arrived. I’ve had a number of difficult events happen connected to these events while also passing through several of the most horrendous weeks of my life. This would have happened anyway but I wouldn’t have even noticed it with the Ketamine. So it made me angry and I decided that I wasn’t going to create anything anymore. If that’s how the universe wants to play the game then I’m not in (or is it ‘on’’?) the game any more.

I realize that this looks childish and petulant and I’ve no justification for it except to say that you are not me. Meanwhile... I have consistently labored for a significant portion of my life doing what I do for free and not complaining about it. I have endured some good amount of hardship from being the person who does these things for free and in fact I even have to pay for the opportunity to do it. It actually costs me in coin of the realm and in other costs just to do what I do and I don’t complain about that. I’ve a limit to the abuse and sacrifice that I will accept in the process of doing something for free.

Before anyone decides to tell me that it’s all part of my growth etc or provide me with spiritual platitudes... I’m aware of all that. I write about it all the time. I’m also in certain kinds of danger from myself if I don’t have a few fundamental things which... sometimes I do and sometimes I don’t and only one of them is Ketamine.

In any case... I’m going to go write a Smoking Mirrors after this and link back here so that anyone who wants to see this can see it and take it for what its worth etc. I’m hopeful I will eventually encounter someone who can help me obtain this item at a reasonable fee. I’m hoping one of my readers is a sympathetic veterinarian (grin). I’m certain that someone who reads me knows someone who knows someone and maybe that will lead to something. You can imagine how important this is to me just by the fact that I am writing about it. This may be neither smart nor useful but I’m doing it.

It shouldn’t be that difficult. It’s undetectable in the mail and not a bulky item. Some people like the liquid but I prefer the powder and, as I said... it immediately and effectively removes from me a condition that has plagued me for a long time. I certainly deserve it and it’s got no drawbacks or long term liabilities. Conditions may vary according to the user I am sure but for me it has made life new... rich and rewarding and I just didn’t feel like pounding the pavement (metaphorically) day after day as I have been doing... for less than nothing; at least that is how it looked to me and the grievous difficulty of these last weeks has rather amplified my state. That’s passing now which is a mercy; some sort of temporary astrological smash and grab, I suspect.

Well, let’s go write that Smoking Mirrors post... there’s a lot to talk about.

25 comments:

Anonymous said...

I wish I had read your comments before I let ASNOWYNIGHTN_NYV@YAHOO.COM rip me off! I'm going after this guy.

Anonymous said...

Thanks Les
Tony

Scarlett said...

I'm sorry to hear of your recent troubles. I've really missed your Smoking Mirrors blog. It has been a validation of my own thoughts and feelings since I often feel like I'm living in a Twilight Episode where I see ruin and desolation everywhere, but everyone around me sees bluebirds and white picket fences.

Of course, I also suffer from severe depression. I've had mild depression for most of my life due to childhood trauma -- but it turned into major depression after 9/11. That was my awakening and when I finally started to connect the dots and see the big picture. Until then, I was always cynical about gov't and the media -- but I never really allowed myself to see how evil the parties involved were and how far down the path of no return we have marched.

My personal theory, however, is that in these times, those who are depressed (even if it isn't clinical depression per se) are the sane people. Everyone else is living in denial. If you can watch the news and not be affected by the needless suffering in the world. If the sight of starving children in some third world country doesn't make you feel some pang of guilt for a society that admires those who spend millions for a wedding or birthday party when that money could make such a difference in the lives of the very poor, there is something wrong with you. I'm not sure if you even have a soul.

Depression is merely a condition of being able to look at the world AS IT IS. It is the curse and blessing of empathy. When you can walk a mile in someone else's shoes -- it is hard to generate hate for groups of people simply because we are told to hate them. The non-depressed are able to walk through life with blinders on -- their only focus is own their own self-interest. As long as they are materially comfortable, there is nothing to push them to fight for abstract ideas like freedom and justice.

I twice stayed in a hospital psych ward for treatment. Though it didn't help at all with my depression, it was a liberating experience for me. What kept me from daring to say out loud what I was beginning to think was my fear of being labeled "crazy". Now that everyone already thinks I'm crazy -- I have nothing to fear.

I've always been one who needed to see the evidence before I changed my mind on something, so my arguments with others have always relied on the facts to make my case. Even knowing that I am "crazy", I've opened a few minds.

I wish I could help you out with your problem. I have a brother who self-medicates his depression and ended up with a heroin addiction. Pot helped him tackle his addiction -- and he's tried LOTS of different legal treatments. But, if he gets caught with it, he will be in violation of his probation and he'll go back to jail. Personally, I would be happy if he smoked pot the rest of his life as long as it kept him off heroin.

I see no reason why the goverment should criminalize people for what they choose to do with their own bodies. If you hurt someone under the influence or your addiction leads to criminal behavior -- we already have laws in place to deal with that. The mere use or possession of a substance does not make one a bad person or a danger to society.

Sorry for the long winded post. I didn't intend to babble on, but I guess this struck home for me and I just wanted to let you know that your work inspires me to find my own voice and to believe the truth I see right in front of me when the whole world keeps insisting that it is a hallucination by a "conspiracy nut".

Thanks for all you do.

Charles said...

Entheogens for the fucking win ^_^ Good luck with your search.

kikz05 said...

so good to see you back :) even if just for a visit.

ketamine... funny you mention it. we've been watching House MD on DVD. brilliant but miserable maverick diagnostician given it as a 'reset' for cell death/post surgical pain in a leg; multiple gunshot wounds. even before the shooting, his character suffered frm what his coworkers attributed to severe depression. the treatment was in essence twofold, physical & mental, and successful for a while.

kind of embarrassed to mention.. this show originated on fUx.
have no idea why/how they let it continue, as it's easily out of mental range of all but very few of their demographic.


anyway.. glad you're here. if ya never write another slog thru the smoking mirror... so be it.
at one time... it was necessary, and in all probability will be again.

but i'd much rather read you here.


love
k

nobody said...

Hey Les,

Ketamine, sure, why not? I've tried lots of drugs. Mostly I stick with dope. It suits my brain and brings a fluidity to my thoughts. I'll never forget a series of nights on a balcony in Bondi where I pit Darwin against Buddha and eventually realised there was no disagreement between the two at all. It sounds penny-ante but it changed my life. And it was nice that they could be friends...

But it ain't as much fun as it used to be. And I find this with other friends of mine. Each had their own drug, to suit their personality (alcohol, coke, speed, ecstacy, etc), and all ended up at a similar place. The conclusion I arrived at was that all drugs eventually cease being magical and almost become normal. That hasn't stopped me smoking dope, sure, but there's also a lot to be said for taking long holidays from it. I'm not making a suggestion here, just musing on the subject. I'm sure you can dig it.

Otherwise, does ketamine come in a natural form? Or is it perfectly synthetic? It'd be nice if you could grow something and chew it, ala coca, say. I'll go check it out.

Otherwise mate, could you not pop into a vet's and say that your once tranquil horse has grown fidgetty, fractious, and fretful? Groan. Sorry mate, I was just being free with some fanciful, flippant, facetious folderol. Groan again.

PS Hey Scarlett, not that it's much consolation but the Buddha saw the world clearly and he was not depressed. Not that I'm any expert but people tell me that to achieve true enlightenment (ie. be completely awake) people usually have four episodes of awakening and each is described as incredibly joyful.

Otherwise the bluebirds you dismiss are as real as anything else in the world. The fact that the world is filled with human wickedness doesn't mean that a birdsong is not beautiful. That others ignore misery doesn't mean you should ignore joy. All the best...

Anonymous said...

DMT is apparently where it's "ALL" at. If you get my drift.

abel said...

Hi Les,
I've been looking forward to your return.
I've lived a similar life and finally got shit out into A.A. and that worked for me.
I have a purpose and its simple " to help others like me" and the depression has faded. I still struggle with motivation but I have been called prolific in my area of art - so maybe its a "expectation" thing - but I am happy now because I've found peace, it was inside me all along and ripples out to those I come in contact with.
Peace be with you, Al B.

isabel said...

Les, I appreciate your writings so much [even though I rarely say so]. Can't help with the ketamine but know from personal & professional experience that REALLY HIGH DOSE vit. B Complex is of great help.

Visible said...

then I apologize. but if I hadn't said anything then I wouldn't know. watch out for Elizabeth Claire Prophet however.

Gerry Hiles said...

Though my partner is a vet, I can't help you to obtain Ketamin - which I doubt that I could persuade her to obtain for my use.

Anyhow maybe I can offer some 'moral' support, as a fellow traveller; though with me anxiety has been the dominant condition in my life, with one bout of severe depression after having three lots of cancer ... prostate, lung and secondaries in my ribs.

But I agree with scarlett that there's actually something wrong with a person who is not at least sceptical about the state of the world, so there's certainly no shame in being depressed, even if that's compounded in someone, like yourself, who tends to depression anyway because of their personality type.

My disposition disposed me to a somewhat Panglossian view of the world, e.g. I always viewed the cup of life as being at least half full, but reality intruded and it now seems more than half empty.

Interestingly this process began over thirty years ago when, like you, I had a profound awakening, which cannot be put into words really, but manifested in me quite suddenly being able to really appreciate (yes understand) Socrates/Plato, Descartes, Hume and Jung for instance.

The Cave Analogy best intimates at what happened, with the triggering circumstance being a major disruption in my life.

For a fairly short while I was euphoric and amazing dreams came thick and fast (a 'born again' experience, in effect) but it all tapered off and, these days, I no longer expect some ultimate 'enlightenment', which I did think possible for a while, especially when exploring buddhist beliefs.

Whatever: just to let you know, in brief and fragmented fashion, that you ain't alone mate and that some things transcend basic personality differences.

Justin_n_IL said...

For what it's worth. I love you Les and I feel you. It is often painful for me in this physical realm as well. I've battled a multitude of addictions (i.e. crack, coc, benzoz, alcohol, etc.). I'm at the point now where the only thing that sustains me is being ever mindful that the spiritual trumps the physical. If not for my spiritual mind I would be most miserable among men.

p.s. hat tip to dmt wink wink

Anonymous said...

Life is a journey without an instruction manual.
You are here to learn lessons and to grow as a "spiritual being". The skin you wear in each lifetime is your "physical body", through which you experience these lessons.
Drugs such as ketamine or ayahuaska give you a small but brief look into your "spritual immortality". They provide glimpses into the truth via your subconscious and through your spiritual guides. You can see snippets of euphoria, but that is all. It is like taking a few sentences from a long book and trying to understand what the book is about.
Drugs are not the answer you seek.
What you seek is to discover the true you, your immortal soul. There is a KEY to unlock this world to you, but you will only act upon it when you are ready. USE IT WISELY as it is not for everyone (too many closed minds).
Visible, the key you seek is.....HYPNOTHERAPY. A way to reach your subconscious or supraconscious "real you", spiritual you. Do not seek just any hypnotherapist but one trained in LBL (life between lives) hypnotherapy. There are not many...choose wisely...trust your intuition.
A good sarting point: Journey of Souls by Dr. Michael Newton.

Prosper and grow Visible, you have much to give and accomplish.

Boris

Visible said...

There is a new essay Here

notamobster said...

vis - I don't know damnit about ketamine. I have suffered from a deep and very destructive depression following the death of my child. I don't know my own path, thus I could never begin to question yours. All of this means diddly-fuck, I realize. I did have an epiphany while enduring the miserable heat of post-Gustav; no power; south Louisiana -

I am an opti-pessimist...whereby I believe the glass is half full, but only because some asshole drank the other half.

cheers

scarlett said...

Nobody, thanks for the perspective. I must agree you are right. I do have a tendency to focus too much on the negative. I guess what I lament most, though, is not that good doesn't exist in the world, but that to care about someone other than yourself for no personal gain is seen as weird and irrational.

But, I feel that we are on the verge of a great awakening in this nation. I think the financial tsunami poised to hit us will liberate us all from this materialism that we worship and allow us to get our priorities straight. At least that is my hope.

But, thanks for reminding me that the world is indeed a beautiful place.

nobody said...

Hey Scarlett,

De nada. I think it was your mention of birds. I take great solace in watching birds. I'm not into anything elaborate. I don't go on expeditions or anything. Mostly I just do it from my balcony. Even sparrows make my day. In fact I'm looking at a female house sparrow as I type. She cocks her head at me. Hello sweetheart! And she's gone!

I take joy from the tiniest events.

dirty white boy said...

Depressed? That's because you're in touch with reality. You might have an ET soul as well. I've always wondered if really stupid people get depressed.

punk rawk said...

Tomorrow Belongs To Us - Discharge

You're so afraid to stand up
But without you they are nothing

Unite unite unite and fight
Tomorrow belongs to us

Why should we suffer to fulfill
Their schemes of position and greed

Unite unite unite and fight
Tomorrow belongs to us

lilywhite tickled pink said...

Tell the Truth Nigga - DJ Green Lantern, Mos Def, Immortal Technique and Eminem

Man, you hear this bullshit they be talkin’
Every day, man
It’s like these motherfuckers is just like professional liars
YouknowwhatI’msayin? It’s wild
Listen

Bin Laden didn’t blow up the projects
It was you, nigga
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)
Tell the truth, nigga

Bin Laden didn’t blow up the projects
It was you, nigga
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)

I pledge no allegiance, nigga fuck the president’s speeches
I’m baptized by America and covered in leeches
The dirty water that bleaches your soul and your facial features
Drownin’ you in propaganda that they spit through the speakers
And if you speak about the evil that the government does
The Patriot Act’ll track you to the type of your blood
They try to frame you, and say you was tryna sell drugs
And throw a federal indictment on niggaz to show you love
This shit is run by fake Christians, fake politicians
Look at they mansions, then look at the conditions you live in
All they talk about is terrorism on television
They tell you to listen, but they don’t really tell you they mission
They funded Al-Qaeda, and now they blame the Muslim religion
Even though Bin Laden, was a CIA tactician
They gave him billions of dollars, and they funded his purpose
Fahrenheit 9/11, that’s just scratchin’ the surface

Bin Laden didn’t blow up the projects
It was you, nigga
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)
Tell the truth, nigga

Bin Laden didn’t blow up the projects
It was you, nigga
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)
Tell the truth, nigga

They say the rebels in Iraq still fight for Saddam
But that’s bullshit, I’ll show you why it’s totally wrong
Cuz if another country invaded the hood tonight
It’d be warfare through Harlem, and Washington Heights
I wouldn’t be fightin’ for Bush or White America’s dream
I’d be fightin’ for my people’s survival and self-esteem
I wouldn’t fight for racist churches from the south, my nigga
I’d be fightin’ to keep the occupation out, my nigga
You ever clock someone who talk shit, or look at you wrong?
Imagine if they shot at you, and was rapin’ your moms
And of course Saddam Hussein had chemical weapons
We sold him that shit, after Ronald Reagan’s election
Mercenary contractors fightin’ a new era
Corporate military bankin’ off the war on terror
They controllin’ the ghetto, with the failed attack
Tryna distract the fact that they engineerin’ the crack
So I’m strapped like Lee Malvo holdin’ a sniper rifle
These bullets’ll touch your kids, and I don’t mean like Michael
Your body be sent to the morgue, stripped down and recycled
I fire on house niggaz that support you and like you
Cuz innocent people get murdered in the struggle daily
And poor people never get shit and struggle daily
This ain’t no alien conspiracy theory, this shit is real
Written on the dollar underneath the Masonic seal

(I don’t rap for dead presidents
I’d rather see the president dead
It’s never been said but I set precedents)

Bin Laden didn’t blow up the projects
It was you, nigga
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)
Tell the truth, nigga

Bin Laden didn’t blow up the projects
It was you, nigga
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)
Tell the truth, nigga
(Bush knocked down the towers)
Tell the truth, nigga

(Shady Records was 80 seconds away from the towers
Some cowards fucked with the wrong building, they meant to hit ours)

Visible said...

Damn!!!

I don't much like rap but that is flat out brilliant. That soars. Well done!!! Really... well done!!!

I used to listen to Public Enemy and Arrested Development and I will admit that I liked Eminem a lot but I got tired of the rest of it quick because it wasn't doing the Gil Scott Heron thing.

Thank you for letting me see this. This is what should be getting said.

lilywhite said...

It is good for some rap it is on a DJ Green Lantern mix tape. I have listened to "protest" music since I was middle school age. Check out Dead Kennedys, Ministry, Discharge for punk protest. Some good rappers that know whats up are Paris, Dead Prez, and Poor Righteous Teachers. Protest and survive!

Anonymous said...

I have never used the K but the info I ahve researched on it does not seem like the answer for you on a daily basis....try ultram/tramadol for releasing energy transponders....have taken them for years and no side effects or increase needed for the same effect....is supposedly non-narcotic but to me is same effect as vic without the nausea...a cup of coffee and am full of energy....would like to try the K for an occasional trip like shrooms...but for daily coping in a moronic society ultram is critical and I live in a rural area and not enslaved ...will look for the K for you in small doses as it supposedly does help with depression...just don't trade one misery for the addiction of another....snowy saw your achilles.....Kasei..(e-mail??)

Visible said...

Thank you for thinking of me. I've heard of Tramadol but I've never tried it. I see it is for sale on the internet but after some recent experiences I don't know who to trust in ordering it.

I should point out to you that I have decades of chemical experience and the only thing that ever gave me trouble was alcohol.

As for Ketamine I have used it long enough to know that it is not habit forming and I don't care what anyone has to say on the matter. I go by how things impact on me. I once had all the cocaine anyone could want for about two years. It was the finest one could have and it came to me direct from Bolivia. I never had any kind of addiction problem with it and when it was gone it was gone.

However, I saw people get really messed up by it and behave as if they had to have it. That just didn't happen to me.

I was much amused at your comment about finding me small doses of K. Thank you Mommy. Let's be sure that I don't suddenly develop a problem that I'm never going to have (grin).

Look, I can get it in small or any doses any time. I just can't afford to pay 60 dollars a gram for it. It is dirt cheap and I need a source who is willing to provide me with a less expensive solution. I'm not in any danger when it comes to K. I would say it was one of the most benign substances that I have encountered. It's also not a getting high thing. It is something very different for me.

Sooner or later I will sort this out because I must. It cures my depression and makes the very idea of drinking non existent. I do remarkable work on it and I feel whole. There's little danger of abuse because I have already had that opportunity and it's not that kind of thing.

Some troll tried to post here a few days ago, I'm sure it's one of a small handful of people who just can't stand that I do well at what i do. Besides not making any sense he went on to inform me that the difference between a drug user and an addict is that a drug user never runs out. That, of course makes no sense... nor was his intent anything but anonymously trying to poke me with a stick. A person has to be vulnerable in that regard to experience injury. I'm not.

Anyway... thanks for the good words. I'll continue as I have. I'm taking personal delivery of a certain amount in about an hour and that will be quite nice. After that... God will provide.

Anonymous said...

Things are getting mean in blogostonia I just saw a page that had photoshopped caribou barbies head onto some porno scene and she was orally servicing some jews. That is some brutal agitprop. I admit it I laughed aloud then felt guilty and left that page quickly.